What you’ll need to succeed.

From an actual job advertisement.

“What you’ll need to succeed
To be successful in this role you must have strong web production experience working with an enterprise level CMS, HTML coding skills and able to identify Javascript and CSS code. ”

Oh look! I spy some Javascript code in the developer console of my browser. I just discoverer Vivaldi browser. I’m up on the latest web trends. Give me 90k plus super and a perky development team. I think that is CSS but I’m not really up on any of that NPM or Gulp stuff so I will get the software teams to handle that. Meanwhile the coffee is calling so I will head off and talk on the phone while I order some to look important.

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Sales event declines but pop up shines and experiential oozes cool.

The Sales Event is that little something special from the old school of marketing that hopes to herd in the hardcore bargain shoppers and convert cold prospects into customers.  At shopping centres, airport terminals, shows and public events, specialist engage consumers and make the pitch for their products or flog their wares cheep (or not sometimes) hoping for sales in high traffic retail environments.

In the bad old days it was just an event. A sales event. But of course even the standards get wanked dry as time goes by. The days of car yard sales events took the shine off the concept long ago. Go and watch Used Cars to see what we mean. Highly skilled retail sales specialists prefer ‘pop up’ (short term) and ‘fixed’ (long term) kiosk sites now. Board rooms ring to the sounds of experiential marketing and invoicing triples as concepts, marketing and event management budgets go through the roof.

Brand activation is the rage with co-ordination by a brand experience agency. These creative types create unforgettable experiences that generate content, conversations and contagion and lots of wank words too like experiential activations or amplification.

Other complex wank concepts include on and off premise activations, experiential campaigns, major events, key influencer programs, staff engagement platforms, sponsorship leverage through to managing supporting social media, public relations and generally kissing up to media agencies.

Remember that shoppers like discounts but naming is important, and brand association is better.

The Volkswagen Turbocharged Sales Event.

The Nike just do it Sales Event.

The Dave’s curry house light up you arse Sales Event.

Sales event of the year – At all other times you will be ripped off. Same as the annual sales events only more stuff we found when the stock take revealed how much pink and yellow crap we still hold.

Sales event pricing – At all other times you will be ripped off.

Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring sales event – Colour co-ordinates at rip off prices.

Ultimate sales event – An excuse for another one because the other one worked so well at clearing the stock that never moves.

Bonus points for marketeers if customer queue is disorderly and similar to the line up for a KISS or Beatles concert that produces free news coverage. Double plus bonus for stampede and face plants on doors open.

Triple bonus points for old school balloon displays, barbecue sausage sandwich stall, rides for the kids, marketeers fancy dress ups, giant inflatable air products like rats, gorillas, dinosaur robots, with a gold star for use of air waivers and dancers.

And boy oh boy if you can get some free alcohol going then shoppers will open up out to all sorts of debauched purchase emotions and generally return favorable feedback as they drunkenly tick the boxes on the survey.

But the question on the lips of every attendee after the event debrief is “what exactly did we get for our money. It certainly was not a great profit on the discounted stock? Did we attract new customers? Is our brand stronger and more widely known? Did they tell their friends? What was the trend like on Twitter? ”

Buried in the powerpoint presentation in between the rows and columns of wank words will be the facts. They lapped up the free stuff and we got rid of the old stock and the poker dot colours that never sell. And we ended up paying a premium. People tweeted about it until the free stuff was all gone.

Ideation

Here is a wank word you learn as part of your marketing degree that up until recently had remained a little bit academic, and had not made it into the fun new world of competitive job advertisements . Brace yourselves dear readers because the recent grads who author the senior account manager roles are starting to use it. Agency people love all the different ways you can generate an idea. My favorite has always been pulling one out of my arse. A good runner up to that is plucking an idea from thin air. Spit out enough wank words and you too can get 6 figures and a car.