On the hunt for enthusiastic, charismatic and life loving individuals

To suck your life essence dry like a spider does to a fly, for not much money and a tearful hug goodbye, when the sales targets are not met. If you are in the market to recruit low paid sales reps then the following example could get you some precious snowflakes to use and abuse. Come and join the WANKteam and help us inspire people to buy stuff!

Wank are on the hunt for enthusiastic, charismatic and life loving individuals to join our New  WANKteam! We’re excited to bring real tasting, quality food and we want to help us in delivering our inspirational story!

To do the work they are asking for and to sell food to people on the street with a cold call they are going to need all of the inspiration they can get.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=averytossyyoutubesuckin

Provides obligatory YouTube video to get your juices flowing and to prove we have a post production department or paid up front to one. (WARNING do not bother clicking on the link unless you want to test to see if Google will one day look up a video tag to see if exists and throw a proper 404 page)

Our WANKteam members will work across various sampling experiences, you’ll be helping us on our mission to drive trial and build engagement throughout the state. We’ll want you to work across a dynamic and structured roster that will see you working anywhere from Instore, to local events to iconic hotspots and influential offices and organisations around the state – each day will be different and each day you’ll be representing us as the face of our brand.

Anything, Anywhere, Anytime for very little cash probably. Unless you are somehow moving pallets of the stuff which I doubt. This is the possibly the most creative and wanky cover for a slave job schedule I have ever seen. I count 14 true wankisims in that block. Most of the current and in vogue. I think “dynamic and structured roster” will be keeping me going as a conversation starter at parties for some time to come.

So, think you have what it takes to be the next WANKteam member? You’ll need to tick the following boxes:

First a neg to you that maybe you are not good enough for this. Next you will be a member of the exclusive cult once we decide to accept you. Miss a box and your toast, rejected, no really even worthy of a dirty job.

  • You are a current student with your educational studies around; dietetics, nutrition, sports science, personal training, marketing and events or simular fields. Alternatively, you may have finished your studies in the above field and are looking for a new and exciting challenge in field marketing.

The typo is their own and truly spoils the rhythm of the wank. This point is really where we get to the point of stealing babies to deflower them and once used up disposed of.

  • You’ll need to have a full, clean Driving license

You will probably have to supply your own wheels, insurance, fuel and maintenance and your per diem will consist of your wanky uniform and a hug and a kiss.

  • You’ll be willing to work at least 2 – 3 missions (6 – 8 hour shifts) per week, with missions covering a Monday – Sunday roster – availability on weekends is a MUST

Sounds like it will be a tough mission all right to go to work when all of you friends are partying hard.

  • You have a go getting attitude – you’re not afraid of hard work!

You are a cougar and a gym junkie.

  • You have an infectious personality and love to interact with consumers

You can sell ice to eskimos.

  • You love life and are passionate about a healthy, balanced lifestyle

You lie a lot about you lifestyle to strangers.

  • WANK is part of your life and you have a genuine interest in joining the journey to build our brand

You job is your life and your only hope is that desk job in the office that 20 other team members would grind down all of you fingers to get out of their own personal hells.

This is not your average job, we’re all for creating WANKteams that live and breathe our brand and share our passion to bring WANK to everyone!

This is going to be a very average job. You will wake up at 2am living and breathing the brand and hate getting out of bed with a passion. Your skills at dealing with rejection will get a major boost.

If this sounds like you, act now!

Run away. Run away now.

Empower

Empower yourself just like witchey woman. The knowing confident smile of empowerment.

Witchey Woman

Those who have power do not have to worry about empowerment. They know they have it through confidence in their own abilities and do not need a self hype session to feel it or project outwards to others, it just is, and comes naturally. So the word is a wank because it is simply a way to use cheep mental mind tricks used by old school confidence building hucksters to empower losers with ideas of improvement and success. Temporarily. Until they realize that they actually need to improve self to have really empower themselves. No quick fix, no magic bullets. And what then of empowerment of others? Just another temporary feelgood technique for cat herding and mind control. Makes you look and sound great to managers and human resources as well. Bonus!

Go the extra mile

Don’t we all love this old time motivational lovely. Getting a bit dated in these days of the twenty first century and retreating back to it’s sporting roots a bit thanks to the rise of other horrors like, push/stretch the envelope and go the hole hog or whole nine yards for the imperial crowd. Go the extra mile has seemingly fallen a bit out of style and favor when the usage gives the impression of a real old school inspirational speaker or HR consultant. It does speak to old world effort after all a mile is a fair distance extra to have to go. And you need some pretty good motivation, coercion or threat to go that far extra as well.

Fast paced

You will not get a minutes peace. You won’t know who to trust. Always rising stress levels and lopsided development. Infrastructure fails to match rising workloads leading to staff members becoming a simmering pot threatening to blow up at the slightest provocation. The gradual downfall of the business due to dense crush load. Management will experiment with changing work schedules and systems. The resultant stress, physical exertion and pressures of a fast paced business will lead to hair trigger lashing out at others or against the broken systems. Straws will be clutched at by management. Life on a treadmill will continue and progress to the blunting of finer sentiments, selfishness, collapsing interpersonal relationships, rise in individualism and decline in social bonding, and a propensity to violate rules. People will give vent to their personal tensions. New systems will be introduced to solve the problems but will only muddy the waters and increase workloads and anger. Not willing to sacrifice and fight for others, employees will protect personal interests and fiefdoms. A sense of belonging is almost over. This will translate into mental health problems and leads to a focus on anger management to contain violent reactions. Instigation of even a single authoritarian could trigger violence. Patience and tolerance reduces because of fast paced businesses while frustrations rise. Staff turnover increases.

Agile

The 10 tonne bomb of recruitment Wank Words for project management and software development, and all things digital. A “standard” methodology designed to drive everyone crazy with a never-ending ending. You will have broad experience of talking in circles similar to a kangaroo court. A sprint feels like when a torturer applies a blowtorch to the victims feet. The short period between sprints should give you time to sample the charcoal smell and experience a fading tingling sensation before the torch is applied for the start of the next sprint. This may make daily stand ups a little difficult but we are sure you have learned how to react dynamically to changing conditions in the business. HR do not know what it means but we want you to be agile and you must have expensive training in this discipline. Preferable certifications include Princely, Chop Block, or the other ones that came out of IBM or government. What this all means is having the flexibility to make changes on the spur of the moment regardless of the impact to people or profits. No oversight of the ideas or the design creep is allowed, but you must have the ability to implement them rapidly. Management demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty in the project plan. Reacting to fickle customer sentiments, dead end trends and marketing’s narrow focus group results is a requirement now. User stories become the focus. Crowd source out the ideas. Go in every direction at once and spin your wheels going nowhere. Your salary and tenure will be in line with your ability to navigate this minefield and apply standard methodology. Bonus points for recruiters to include Lean and/or Semi Agile in job advertisements to show we really ride the crest of the wave.

Evangelist

A Jesus inspired Wank Word that will not be crucified and has spread by the sword from the world of technology into all kinds of marketing dross and even science. It’s mystical powers to add magnetism to brands and products is admired by the faithful. The humble servants of the lord do go out into the land and proselytize with emotion and energy to convert the poor lost souls who are not using this essential product or service.

Friendly and fun, close-knit team

Scritching

scritching

Also we will be looking over your shoulder day and night and assessing your private life for any signs of deviation from company policy and values. The moment you are not friendly and fun anymore start thinking about the dole queue. What we mean by close knit is actually tight knit with a little slack but not so loose as to cause tension. What we mean to say is we will be cable stitching  your arse to a co-workers elbow. You will learn about the uniqueness of their garbage and of course smell.